


they're taking the Greyjoys to Winterfell

by janie_tangerine



Category: Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, F/M, Gen, How Do I Tag, I Blame Tumblr, I Don't Even Know, Inspired By Tumblr, Reunions, Season/Series 07, Spoilers, The Author Regrets Everything, in which jaime is Done TM
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-21
Updated: 2017-07-21
Packaged: 2018-12-05 00:02:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,745
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11566140
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/janie_tangerine/pseuds/janie_tangerine
Summary: SPOILERS FOR THE S7 PREMIERE EPISODEJaime, sending a raven to Daenerys: Hey, wanna trade Greyjoys?Or: where I wrote fic based on the above pasted tumblr prompt in which Jaime is Done With Everything and does indeed trade Euron for his nephews, Dany isn't amused, Bronn just wants his castle, Theon and Yara are generally confused, Tyrion goes with the flow, Brienne doesn't know what she's unknowingly started and Jon and Sansa have their opinions on the matter.





	they're taking the Greyjoys to Winterfell

**Author's Note:**

> ... So I absolutely was _not_ planning to write S7 fic THIS EARLY but like, I saw the wanna trade Greyjoys post, then OP added:
> 
>  
> 
> _all I can think of is Jamie swinging onto Dany’s ships like something out of “Pirates of the Caribbean” when her armada gets close enough and literally throwing Euron at her feet like, “Look, as a token of good will I bring you the greatest Captain on the 14 Seas and also the King of the Iron Born and now that you have an over-abundance of Greyjoys, I’ll just take these other two off your hands so that your ship’s not too crowded and you don’t have to worry about your Greyjoys all trying to murder each other! You’re welcome! KTHXBYE, great doing business with you!” and then proceeding to literally just bolt with Yara and Theon._
> 
>  
> 
> _Then, a little while later, Dany literally kicks in the door of the Red Keep, irately shouting, “WHERE. ARE. MY. GREYJOYS?!”_
> 
>  
> 
> _Meanwhile, Jon and Sansa feel like they can all just go to Hell, because they were there first, dammit! They clearly have seniority!_
> 
>  
> 
> _So, no one really cares about the Iron Throne any more, because they’re all too preoccupied with who gets custody of these Iron Born kids and who has to be stuck with their uncle._
> 
>  
> 
> .... I was like fuck this I'm writing it. IT'S EXACTLY WHAT IT SAYS ON THE TIN. THIS IS 100% CRACK THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN IN THE SHOW IDEK WHAT I WAS DOING HERE YOU GO HAVE FUN. Don't expect anything in this to be serious because it's not.
> 
> Also, I admittedly reposted this on here 80% because I realized I _could_ title it ripping off _taking the hobbits to Isengard_ and like... enjoy the crack, I'm just gonna go away now. GOES UNSAID that nothing in here belongs to me, not even half of the crack because it wasn't my idea originally and okay I'll saunter vaguely downwards bye.

One moment, everything is  _fine_. The next -

 _The next_ , Theon wants to know what the  _hell_  is fucking going on because they were on their ships, heading for King’s Landing, and honest, he was also kind of coming to terms with possibly dying soon because he hasn’t fought in a battle in  _ages_  and who the hell knows if he’s going to survive it, but just as he was contemplating it and wondering why his sister seems so unfazed,  _one_  single Lannister ship with a white flag on it starts heading towards them.

“The hell?” Yara asks.

“Well, it’s a  _white flag_ ,” Tyrion Lannister says, shrugging. “We shouldn’t attack it.”

“Fine,” Daenerys says, “it’s not as if I can’t set Drogon on the damned thing if I want to.”

The ships comes closer.

Fairly closer.

And then -

Then  _Jaime Lannister swings into their ship along with some other guy who’s holding their uncle in a vice grip_.

What.

The.

Hell.

“Oh, I see everyone is here. Tyrion, fancy seeing you, I see you didn’t get yourself killed after all.”

“ _Jaime?”_

 _“_ Indeed. This is really going to take a moment. Because, uh, I guess you didn’t care for my raven, did you?”

Daenerys  _stares_  at him. “You mean, the one where you asked to  _trade Greyjoys_  which we thought was a practical joke?”

“No, no, I  _absolutely_  was not joking. Bronn, would you mind?”

“Gladly,” the other guy mutters, and pretty much kicks Euron at Dany’s feet.

 _The hell_?

“So,” Lannister says, “Listen, my sister’s half-insane and honestly, I want to be out of that mess. Oh, Tyrion, sorry for not noticing before, I guess I owe you a drink at some point.”

“Jaime -”

“I was saying, this idiot came by and said he was going to kill all of you or burn your entire fleet and taking you all to my sister as, you know, a token of good will so she’d agree to marry him. So, I figured that as a token of  _my_  good will, I could just deliver him to you directly. So, hey, here we go, I bring you the greatest Captain on the fourteen Seas and also the King of the Ironborn and whatever else. Now, of course, there’s a bit too many Greyjoys on this ship and they tend to kill each other if they’re in the same place, so if you really wouldn’t mind I’ll take these two off your hands and you don’t have to worry about it.”

“Are you  _fucking serious_?” Yara asks. “I’m fine where I am.”

“Oh, so you want a go at your uncle? Fine, whatever, but I’m taking your brother.”

“ _Sorry_?” Theon asks.

“Listen, it’s a question of decency - because I’d totally rather have you than your bloody uncle - but let’s say there’s a bunch of people in the North who  _would_  like to see you again as soon as possible and I know  _because I know_ , so -”

Theon doesn’t even know  _how in the fucking seven hells he’s suddenly being dragged by that Bronn guy on the other ship_ , but - people in the North  _want to see him_? What the hell? 

“- it’s been great doing business with you, Daenerys Targaryen! Mind my sister’s knight, he’s fairly tough to kill.  _Goodbye_! Ah, and Euron, see why you don’t always need to hands? Have fun!”

“Hey,  _wait_ , you can’t just do that!” Yara shouts, and then she’s running after them?

…  _what the hell_?

–-

“Did he just  _take them with_?”

“Did he just  _advice us on how we should take King’s Landing_?”

“Did my brother just imply he  _left Cersei?”_

 _“_ Khaleesi,” Grey Worm interrupts, “do we throw him overboard or not?”

Daenerys looks at Euron, who is  _heavily_  chained, and then at what’s left of her retinue.

“Not before we take his ships. And  _then_  we take  _our_  Greyjoys back, who does Jaime Lannister think he is?”

–-

“ _Where are our Greyjoys_?”

Cersei Lannister doesn’t look too impressed with his Queen’s request, Tyrion thinks, but he still feels some perverse satisfaction seeing her  _finally_  not laughing when in his presence.

“And what should I know? I haven’t seen  _them_  or  _Jaime_  in weeks,” she spits. “That traitor. He should have burned with the rest of King’s Landing.”

“Wait,  _they never came back_?”

“He did say he was talking to someone in the North,  _didn’t he_?” Varys asks.

Oh.

 _Oh_.

–-

“Excuse me,” Yara asks, “you’re saying we’re  _all_  going North because  _you’re exchanging ravens with someone in Sansa Stark’s service_  and they  _really wanted him back_?”

“Hey, I need them to believe me when I say I defected, right?”

“So we’re what, your way to make sure you're  _not dying_ when you get there?”

“Partially, but believe me, I’m not doing anything that you’ll eventually regret. Besides, I made sure  _he_  didn’t kill you both and bring your heads to Cersei to show how good a husband prospect he was, you should thank me.”

“And what’s in it for  _you_?” Yara asks Bronn. Theon is still not even processing this entire matter.

Bronn shrugs. “Hey,  _someone_  is going to give me that damned castle they promised me a while ago, but other than that, I really don’t wanna be in King’s Landing right now. I never got along with dragons. Have some wine.”

Theon usually  _wouldn’t_  drink on an empty stomach, not these days, but he takes it without a word.

 _They really want him back_?

–-

“Your Grace, Lady Stark,  _Brienne_ , fancy seeing you here.”

“Lannister,” Jon says, and Theon thinks,  _he grew older, didn’t he_?, “What is this even?”

Brienne of Tarth’s cheeks - Theon  _would_  know the name after  _three weeks_  of traveling with Lannister - suddenly go  _redder_. A lot redder.

“Er. He. Uh - he sent me a raven. A while ago. Saying he wanted to change his banners.”

“He did  _what?”_ Sansa doesn’t seem to have expected it.

“He - he was willing to send me back to you with your uncle and his army, had he accepted the deal.  _However_ , uh, in that raven, he asked me if there was anything he might do to make sure you believed him.”

“All right,” Jon says, “and?”

“And, I, I might have mentioned a few things, but I hadn’t thought -”

Before Theon can do anything, Lannister has gone next to him and put down the hood covering his face.

“She seemed to imply you were eager to have him back in your folds. Given that I couldn’t wait to put his  _uncle_  down a notch, I went for it. Here he is, and there’s his sister too because I always finish what I start, and  _please don’t make me go back to King’s Landing_  because I really don’t ever want to see it again.”

Theon was about to say  _something_ , but then Sansa -

Sansa smiles and  _throws herself in his arms_?

What -

He holds her back and he can see Jon smiling over her shoulder.

“And what do you want in exchange?” He asks, sounding a lot more mellow.

“A keep for my right hand man here when this is all over, first thing.”

“Fine. North or South?”

“South, thank you,” Bronn says.

“We can arrange that. Then?”

“My head on my shoulders.”

“Right, I had imagined that. That’s all?”

“I doubt you can give me a place in your guard but I’d be glad to advice you if I can.”

“Reasonable. And?”

“And, and, and, Snow, listen, I’m sure you’re doing a better job than Cersei ever would but can you let me do something I should’ve done a long time ago?”

“… Be my guest?”

Brienne of Tarth  _probably_  wasn’t expecting Lannister to walk up to her, grab her face with both fake and good hand and kiss her  _soundly_.

A moment later, Jon’s next to the two of them. “She told me everything,” he whispers. “Welcome back.”

All right. Theon is  _not_  complaining at all. Still,  _what the hell_.

–-

“This is outrageous.”

“Excuse me, he was North first, we have seniority.”

“Fine, but  _his sister_  wasn’t and we had an understanding!”

“Fair point - Yara, do you have any preferences?”

“I never said  _she_  was the only one who should come back with us! He  _stole_  them!”

“And I gave you an entire fleet of ships in return. You’re welcome!”

“Your Grace, I have a feeling trying to get a dragon to burn him would just mean that Lady Brienne would try to kill it and she has Valyrian swords.”

“You’re just trying to save your brother, Lannister.”

“Hey, he  _did_  help us!”

“Whatever, sure as the seven hells I don’t want their uncle still with us, and I can’t kill him because that’s what keeps his people sort of loyal, so  _let’s settle this_.”

“Oh, for - Your Grace,  _Your Grace_ , my Lady, my Lord, if I may suggest, can  _they_  just decide where they want to stay?”

“Brienne, I  _knew_  you always have the best solutions.”

“Jaime, don’t push your luck.”

“All right, all right, the lady has the better idea, I think. So, what do  _you_  want to do?”

“As far as I am concerned, I should like to take back her Grace’s  _understanding_  and my uncle’s ships. If you’ll let me throw him overboard, even better.”

“Uh, Yara, no offense, but I think I’d rather stay here?”

“Well, if one of them stays North and one of them goes with you it can just seal our  _whole_  alliance, right?”

“Your Grace, you have a point.”

“Then we are in agreement,  _your Grace_?”

“This is so bloody fucking weird, Pod.”

“I know. But hey, they agreed, right?”

“Yeah, well, let’s just hope I get my damned castle. And Lannister, I  _knew_  you wanted to fuck her for a very long time but maybe  _don’t go so close to it in public_? Should I have to tell you that?”

“Sorry, I’ve spent all of my life  _not_  being able to do  _anything_  in public, you can forget it!”

“… Your Grace, shall we sign a pact?”

“Your Grace, if we should be allies and if your brother doesn’t lie and you’re my brother’s son, I think  _maybe_  it’s time you call me Dany.”

“… Fine, Jon it is. Can we have some paper here?”

“Lad, are you going to faint?”

“Lord Davos? Uh, no, I swear I’m not. It’s just - weird?”

“Don’t we all think that.  _Don’t we all think that._ But you made it work out, didn’t you?”

 _Well, we did. Who’d have thought_.

 

End.


End file.
